Teen Sexual Health

Teen Workshop Modules

Healthy Relationships Begin With You! - Overview | Setting The Stage | Understanding And Loving Yourself Is Key | Getting Comfortable With Yourself | Taking Yourself Into A Relationship

Relationships II: Setting The Stage

Estimated Time: 15 minutes

Resources:

Setting The Stage Activity

Procedure:

Explain that this session will focus on romantic relationships and building skills and knowledge that can help build healthier romantic relationships.
Explain that one thing they bring to all their relationships is themselves. So, one way they can improve all their current and future relationships is to increase their own awareness of who they are and their understanding of people and relationships.
Explain the following:
- Part of the human condition is being caught between two competing desires: to be a unique individual and to be connected to others.
- The force to be an "individual" leads us to want to define ourselves as separate from others, and to adopt individual beliefs, reasoned choices, and personal autonomy. The "individual force" reminds us of the parts of ourselves that we are not willing to negotiate or give up to be in relationships with other people.
- The force to be "together" leads us to want to be close to others, to get their approval and affection. The "togetherness force" is seen in our desire to be in families, friendship circles, romantic relationships, teams and clubs, etc.
- We all desire and seek out the emotional intensity of relationships to some degree (humans are social creatures). Often in relationships, our actions start to be influenced by the "other" and our need to stay in a relationship with that person intensifies.
- Sometimes, being together with others means that people feel like they have to give up parts of themselves in order to keep the relationship. This "giving up" or negotiating pieces of self happens in many different ways in relationships. In this process, we often end up struggling to maintain our unique self in the relationship.
- The result is a tug-of-war to find a balance between these competing urges. This struggle produces a certain amount of discomfort or "anxiety."
- Ideally, it is possible to balance these two urges, which would balance out the anxiety.
- However, most of us find it hard to find and maintain that balancing point, which leaves us looking for ways to manage the anxiety we are experiencing.
- The ways we manage this anxiety can be healthy or harmful to ourselves or to others.
Brainstorm with participants some ways that people give up parts of themselves to maintain relationships with others. If participants are having difficulties, you may want to ask them to think of peer pressure and how that plays out in people's decisions (particularly whether they choose what they really want and what fits with their values). A really clear example of this is when people choose to have sex before they are ready because they don't want their partner to break up with them.

Facilitator's Notes: Common Strategies that People Use to Deal with the Anxiety of Individuality and Togetherness Forces in Relationships
Conflict: People may create fights to keep their partner at a comfortable emotional distance. Distance: People may find different ways of being distant from their partner. For example, they may physically avoid them or be emotionally closed. Overfunctioning: One partner may take on a larger portion of the relationship. They might continuously be trying to make their partner a better person, guessing the other person's feelings, or doing things for them that they could do themselves. This person often "chases" their partner to be in the relationship. Underfunctioning: One partner may not be fully present in the relationship. For example, they may allow the other person to do things for them that they could do themselves, they may not say what they need or want, and they may come across as fragile. This person is often seen as "running" from the relationship. Triangling: People may deal with the anxiety of being in a relationship by talking about the relationship and their partner with someone outside of the relationship.

Facilitator's Notes:
Common Strategies that People Use to Deal with the Anxiety of Individuality and Togetherness Forces in Relationships

Conflict: People may create fights to keep their partner at a comfortable emotional distance.
Distance: People may find different ways of being distant from their partner. For example, they may physically avoid them or be emotionally closed.
Overfunctioning: One partner may take on a larger portion of the relationship. They might continuously be trying to make their partner a better person, guessing the other person's feelings, or doing things for them that they could do themselves. This person often "chases" their partner to be in the relationship.
Underfunctioning: One partner may not be fully present in the relationship. For example, they may allow the other person to do things for them that they could do themselves, they may not say what they need or want, and they may come across as fragile. This person is often seen as "running" from the relationship.
Triangling: People may deal with the anxiety of being in a relationship by talking about the relationship and their partner with someone outside of the relationship.

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